LAST AMENDMENT (xlv)*

#YouToo: OBJECTIFICATIONS IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR

Willendorf Revisited, Watercolor, 36" x 50", Richard J Van Wagoner, 1994, Courtesy of Van Wagoner Family Trust**

YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and YouToo and . . . .

SELF-LOATHING IN MORMONDOM

I grew up a Mormon boy, all in, all the way on that side of the fence. Patriarchy. Priesthood. Dominion. Important work to be done. I previously explained:

“My accident of birth was being born to Mormon parents. Some might consider that a generational tragedy. If I were to opine, my sister's accident of birth was the same, which may have been compounded by having been born into a culture that programs its female adherents never to gain, or if gained to relinquish, self-determination: men are the ones with the authority and smarts to make their important decisions, and women must trust and have no reason to verify. This may resonate as cult-like, a direction our current regime and its adherents seem pointed. Unfortunately, being born xx in our family made the likelihood of autonomous existence remote. The patriarchal order (of things) was strongly reinforced. I was postured to decide things for females who, if I chose right, were postured to let me. My able wife, and my shrink, are helping me eradicate this deep entrenchment.”

https://medium.com/@richardvanwagoner/pence-choice-is-now-limited-to-victims-of-legitimate-rape-4edee52a08e2

It is no exaggeration to say that from my formative years onward, institutional programming conditioned me to believe that girls meant sex.

Sex, of course, was sin.

Not your garden variety kind but the most serious transgression a boy can commit—short of murder, that is.

Parenthetically, I never had that intense, unquenchable, insatiable drive to kill everything that moved.

The relentless, obsessive, dogmatic reminders that I had a penis (as if I needed reminding), admonitions from the pulpit, threats and warnings that god’s severe punishment awaited me for anything unchaste in thought or deed solidified three things early in my life: my objectification of girls as sex; my self-conviction of personal immorality; and my self-assurance that I was eternally damned. Girls equaled sin. What a f**king dilemma. I grew up knowing god hated me. And that's the goddamned truth.

CHATTEL CALL

For a variety of reasons I won’t discuss today, that relationship ended, the one with god, some time ago. I grieved the loss over time. I symbolized that death in the most dramatic way I could think of at the time, formal termination of my relationship with Mormonism. That may seem a false equivalency. It wasn’t. Life is better, richer, freer, intrinsic. And the further I get from that watershed decision, the less relevant and more absurd it all seems.

Except

My lingering objectification of women, encouraged, enabled, aided and abetted by my religious upbringing, continues to haunt.

I’ve wondered why that is. Could it have something to do with formative indoctrination by a male-dominated religion, one that mandates dominion over females, one that treats women as chattel—property—a religion that heavily influences public and government policy where I live, not unlike other male-dominated religions that influence public and government policy in many regions of the country and world?

*My brother the fiction writer and novelist, Robert Hodgson Van Wagoner, deserves considerable credit for offering both substantive and technical suggestions to lastamendment.com

**My daughter Angela Moore, a professional photographer, photographed nearly 500 pieces of my father's work. On behalf of the Van Wagoner Family Trust, she is in the process of compiling a collection of his art work. The photographs of my father's art reproduced in lastamendment.com are hers.

ravchief

Natural US Citizen. Caucasian. Shamed into blogging by DSM-V Cluster B 9/9-led regime, Utah's most embarrassing congressperson, and Newton's Third Law of Motion. The views expressed are mine.

USA, Utah, Salt Lake City

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